Snow Day

It sucks to be older....well I guess 37 isn't really older but it's getting there. Today I can't seem to use my body enough. We awoke to 2 feet of snow and unfortunately this is too early for such a gift. The leaves haven't fallen off the trees so many branches were broken or on their way. We spent the first 2 hours climbing trees to shake the snow off and save the beloved folage. With that done we turned to snow ball fights and later found an amazing hill to sled to our possible death. The time with my kids and actively participating left my back hurting and me walking slower but I just couldn't get enough. It was like time wouldn't stop and I had to keep the pace or wither and everyone knows I do NOT wither. I may be hurting but my mind is so satisfied with the experiences of the last 24 hours. Kids are smiling not realizing that I won't be walking tomorrow but I don't even care because we loved every minute of today!  It was so alive....the moment, the time, the people. Hard to explain but so worth the breath I took each second. This day is spent and I can look back knowing I spent it well. I guess I subscribe to the idea that my body is a gift that needs to be used and used well. As my children, family, or anyone who knows me will attest I hate wasting. I will use it up and that goes for the very frame that carries the spirit within. Life is meant to be lived and I'm doing it regardless of what my back is screaming.

Me, Me, Me

I was sitting with a long time friend just chatting mindlessly about the busyness of our schedules and how life just doesn't take a break. I stated that I never thought this is where I would be doing what I am doing. He asked what it was that I had planned for the life given to me. I couldn't really answer. I know this much.....it wasn't the constant compromise of failed plans and diverted paths. In viewing the lives around me I see that same common surprise. How did I get here? What did I originally have planned? Is this what life is really all about? Where will I end up?   I will say this. I had planned to marry, have children, and be a teacher. Those things have all come to fruition but the road taken to get these ideas in my head has been a wild ride. It is interesting the growth and change that occurs by the time you are 1/3 of the way into your life. How many have settled into monotonous relationships? How many just make do with the job? Have you enriched yourself so as to feel the satisfaction of doing something only for you? Do you feel like a rat in a maze?  I had been thinking about who I am and what I want in life. I realized that I had let myself fall into some of these categories and the idea made me shudder. There have been some truly shining moments of complete bliss and happiness but most of my life has been in the service of what others want. I took inventory and decided to explore what direction I should go...school, job, volunteer?   Volunteering was out as I have already spent and inordinate amount of time doing that and it was less than fulfilling. That is not to say that I am not open to service, but a constant volunteer position is out. School. I have grappled with where I might continue my degree. When the mind is foggy I find it useful to walk away from the dilemna. Job. Well what would I like to do. As is my character I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. A listing came through the email from the school my children attend. Music teacher opening. Hmmmm, there was a tickling at the back of my head from a past goal to become a teacher. Oh the tickling became a strong impression and remembrance. I had intended to become a teacher when I started college so many years ago. I side tracked to put my hubby through school and again side tracked to have the desired children. My focus has solely been this precious family of mine to which there is no comparison, but now the time had come to remember myself. I applied, was interviewed and was offered the job. It has been a major adjustment in my life as I have been a domestic engineer for 14 years, but the reward has been immense. The sense of self has returned that I didn't even realize was absent until recently. My own ability to shape a portion of my life for self only has been intoxicating. I can't express the added dimension of satisfaction that is only mine. As I sat looking at my friend and hearing his words of apathy towards a life that is less than fulfilling I had a moment. I saw clearly that each one of us must carve out a section of life that is only ours. We must devote a section of time to the "me" that is alive but sometimes hidden. Wherever that satisfaction has gone we must find it. Life is just too full of demands and detours not to force and space for just you.It more than likely will not be a grand thing though there is nothing saying it can't, but even that smallest chunk that allows you to think, "Ahhhh, now this is the life". Now that is worth having.

Caretaker

I have been a mother and a wife for the past 18 years. During the course of this time I have sacrificed and cared for 4 other people. Recently my husband had his ankle fused and was rendered an invalid. I realized that caring for people in a natural state of good health is quite different than those who are uncooperative patients. This is why I did not go into nursing even though everyone suggested and encouraged it. I am not compassionate enough to care for people beyond meeting their needs and making sure they are comfortable. I won't be sitting next to your bed, caressing your face our talking in baby talk. I am a "git er' done" kind of girl. This experience coupled with having my mother-in-law shadow me gave me pause. Suddenly long term care facilities looked pretty good. I'm not saying I will shove my hubby in there should he become needy but if we are both old it might have to be a possibility. Thankfully by that time his mother will be gone and I won't have a nagging shadow but the idea of not being prepared for such an event kind of jarred me. I will now be thinking prepartory.I will also be making sure that I will be cared for. Unlike my hubby I become docile and easy when down for the count so I hope my children will be willing to help me out because it's a surety that Keith will not.

Thou art the offender

It is a small mind that takes offense and an even smaller mind that ends communication based on such offense. I was recently speaking with my mother about how my father likes to talk politics. She was much surprised as after 15 years of marriage and an ugly divorce she knew my father not to care or even think about politics let alone speak on the subject. I assured her that his intentions were simply to argue. You see my father is threatened by my strength and opinion which apparently cause him offense. He thus holds anger in his heart toward me and when an opportunity presents itself to argue (not converse) he speeds into an attack and no matter how respectful I remain he can't gain satisfaction until his anger extricates an equal reaction on my part. I have only given him that satisfaction a couple of times until I realized that my offense at his words were giving him power over me which is exactly what he felt he had lost and needed to retrieve at my expense. Yes even my own father felt an uncontrollable desire to "put me in my place" and make sure I knew I was not as smart as I thought myself to be. That he thinks I view myself that way has made me consider the idea of how do we give our power away. It is through offense. I remember as a child the girl dynamic. The one where if there happened to be more than two girls in a group you were guaranteed an exclusion at one point or another. I was on the receiving end of these fiascos more than once and could never seem to force myself back into good graces until the said alpha girl decided that she was bored with the game of torture and moved on to another target. As an adult I consider this behavior quite often and after having my children I employed an experiment. It is an exclusive behavior to girls and as luck would have it I had a boy and tended a neice of the same age. Whenever said girl was offended because she didn't get her way or was feeling threatened she would withdraw her attention from my unsuspecting boy and deploy the ignore factor. My boy would go wild trying to figure out what he had done wrong, why she was angry, and what was the next course of action to fix the situation. He was nearly mad with trying when I stepped in. I had had a thought. What would happen if you allowed the person to be angry and maintained calm? Tell the person that you are sorry they are upset and when they want to talk you will be available. That is what we told my neice. I explained to her that when she was done throwing a fit we would be over at the swings and she could join us when she decided to be nice again. It worked like a charm. She was shocked that her female tactics had failed and stood for several minutes wondering what to do. She eventually abandoned her ridiculous attempt at power over another and joined us for fun on the swings. My boy was reluctant at first as his insides were in a panic and his initial reaction was to succumb, but that would have given his power away. In reality we only have power over ourselves. No one can have power over us unless we give it to them. We can choose to be offended but in doing so we allow others power over us. They are now shaping our thoughts and actions which usually are not positive in times of offense. By walking away and allowing for an understanding that we are still willing to continue the relationship even if it requires a waiting period (or cool down) we maintain our own power and the relationship as well. I realize that this is a lot easier said than done but is quite effective if we can stop ourselves at the onset of offense, take a deep breath, realize that our person can only be effected by another if we allow it, and maintain calm. In the times when I have employed these tactics they have worked like a charm. In times when I have not, the poison I allow in takes a lot of time to remedy. Once you let it in it is almost impossible to get out and requires much effort and wasted energy. In this political mess that we are all subjected we must not let ourselves get embroiled. It is shocking that educated folks will sling and sling the mud of viciousness, but we can't let these ideas end our relationships and allow the poison to seep insidiously into our lives. We must keep calm and realize ideas are just that, ideas. We are only influenced for the good or bad depending on what we let in. What kind of world would it be if ideas were allowed to be individual without recourse? How would the world be different is instead of forcing ourselves on others we allowed others their opinions and maintained our own. If the mood catches you right and what is said changes your mind great! Otherwise enjoy the differences and celebrate that people come in all kinds of packages. It makes for a better place.

Recently I attended a BBQ with extended family. This group is made up of mostly women and they have fire in the blood. We make My Big Fat Greek Wedding look docile. The BBQ was a smashing success until the end and a fight broke out between two sisters that involved children. That is always a recipe for disaster and in my experience parents should always take a breathe and form the words in the their heads before spewing out regretful reactive words that complicate a reconciliation. This is escpecially true in a family setting because unfortunately we are stuck with these people and we have to get along if we want to have family solidarity. I reflected back as to why these events tend to occur in our family more often then not. In fact we consider ourselves lucky everytime we have a non-eventful get together. That is sad, but true. As I was reflecting I started to see a pattern emerge. The people starting the fights are generally like predators scoping out the prey. They pace the given perimeters of the situations waiting and watching for an opportunity to pounce and slash the intended victim with accusations or snide remarks. These behaviors are intended to produce a reaction for the target and hopefully a fight. It is as if they thrive on the drama that ensues. They haven't had their fix and they will do anything to create the much needed high they get from participating in a knock down drag out fight. The after effects are not anticipated. They just want a good fight. These people have a huge chip on their shoulder. This made me wonder why? As I surveyed the attendees I noticed there is a group who hold to the idea that "you are either with me or you are against me". There is no room for diversity. The idea is that we all have to agree or that makes us enemies. This is obviously an impossibility as there are 7 billion people on the earth and 7 billion perspectives.They intersect at various places leading many of us to believe that the people we enjoy to be around think exactly like us. Usually that is not only false but dangerous as at some point there is a difference in opinion and due to the strongly held notion that we can't be friends unless we always agree many dear friendships are destroyed and hearts are broken. I don't believe it is necessary to agree. In fact I thrive on disagreement. Let me clarify. I do not thrive on fighting. I like a good discussion , devoid of arguing, anger, resentment or insult. I enjoy talking with people about ideas and how they feel about things. I may not agree but often I find there is a piece of their idea that I can incorporate and benefit. Much of my learning and knowledge comes from these discussions. I have learned long ago that my delight is viewed as a direct assault by this particular group and I refrain from any discussion above the normal chit-chat. I am clearly aware of their inability to engage without offense. It is as if a different opinion will ultimately take away their very core and leave them empty. Could it be that they don't value their own opinion? Are they too weak to handle opposition without resorting to a massive counter attack? When I feel attacked it is usually because the offense was directed at my person not my opinion. Opinions are fluid. I have varied my stance many times in my life. My person is not as fluid. Personality is inate where as ideas can either compliment or detract. It would be a glorious day if upon getting  together we were able to enter the event prepped to know that every person there will be variant from ourselves and feel positive about that. If we could sit down and not anticipate a negative but be excited to hear a different take. What woud happen if you granted the other a respectful disagreement. The bond forged by the ability to respect anothers ideas without abandoning one's own is much stronger than the imaginery bond that we think the same. There are a few of us in the group who have learned to just take the jibes and not say a word. It makes for a less than enjoyable experience but is necessary to maintain the calm. It is only when a child's lip is fat and bleeding that sometimes that silence is impossible to attain. This wouldn't be the case if we all left the chip at the curb with the parked car. I don't know if family unity exists as I have never really experienced it but I think that for my children I intend to teach them the skills to maybe change the next generation. 

Life's garden

I was reflecting on a visit to Victoria, Canada at the onset of my marriage. It was a time of naivety and adventure as our lives were just beginning. We were able to go to Buschart Gardens and what an amazing place. We hit it before the blooming season so we anticipated some disappointment in not having all the foliage in bloom. We were wrong. What struck me so poignantly was the different varieties of flowers, plants, bushes....there were too many to count and each was in perfect form. The striking colors and contours of each shape were awe inspiring.., breathtaking. I have a particular love of roses. They have an exquisite form and the scent brings me instant joy that permeates my being. I found my loyalty waning as I was bombarded with lilies, Camellia's, Rhododendrons, and the like with their equally alluring scents and fascinating petal formation. So I am an allegory kind of girl. If I liken this experience to the people I see everyday I become just as inspired. What would happen if we took off the category glasses and viewed the people we see as the amazing acts of creation they are. Each in their own sphere, distinct and original. Never a repeat. I have had many a conversation with a particular person about the nature of humans and their worth. We never agree as she contends that beauty is the only standard which people should live by and those who do not meet the standard are not happy contented individuals. This opinion states that without the standard of beauty (which is obviously  perception based) your sense of well being is threatened. I contest that it is just the opposite. I came to this resolution after considering the opposite view and then embarking on a cruise with my husband. I noticed that we were accompanied by two thousand other guests (give or take) and I resolved to observe for the next 4 days we traveled together. Ironically my first inclination was to see how many were actually attractive based on just appearance and the given standard of "magazine" beauty. It was not too far in that I realized most of the passengers would be stuck in the unattractive or even ugly section of humanity. I then noticed that there was a wide range of emotion among these unattractive people, but most appeared to be genuinely enjoying themselves. Now I realize that I can not make a happiness call on 4 days of non interactive observation but body language seemed to be the affirmative for positive uplifted attitudes and a general well being. I also perceived that these individuals must be on some scale of success to be able to afford such a venture. So all together I witnessed happy, successful unattractive people having a great time. This was a great victory for me as I had been contesting this to be a fact for a long time. I then widened my scope and thought about the people who actually run those magazines and fashion industries. Have you taken a look at Vera Wang, or Donald Trump, or even the writers they feature in the fashion magazines?  They are far from the people they shove in our faces or flash down the run-ways. Interesting to think that maybe they have an agenda to increase self doubt and insecurity in others.Maybe the whole point is to make us all sniveling self absorbed, self depreciating, insecure, panic driven consumers who really believe that if we don't look, act or do what their magazine espouses then we will be the shell of the person we could be.  What a crazy lie.

Look 'em in the eye!

So I look you in the eye and have the entire conversation without looking away. What does that mean? I am not afraid. I don't have anything to hide and you should feel safe with me. Well that is how I project the action but I have looked into the eye of a snake that is trying to keep his fangs in me while luring me to a destructive place. I guess it could mean whatever you want it to mean. I teach my kids to look people in the eye because I think it keep the playing field level. People tend to take you more serious and feel the confidence you exude. It is usually  a power booster. They say the eyes are the doorway to the soul. Well take a look and come on in for all I care.There's nothing but me all the way through.

Are you a "Life Boat Person"?

Consider this.....if your personality makes you more beautiful it can also suck the pretty right off your face. I know several outwardly beautiful people that after you start talking to them  everything crashes and burns. Someone told me once that you are either a "life boat person" or not. I inquired into her meaning and she explained....."If you're sitting in a life boat are the people around you going to ensure your safety or their own?" That gave me pause. Am I a life boat person? Are you? When you are in a group of people do you consider their comfort and allow courtsey for their feelings? When you see someone fall down do you immediately reach out and offer help? If someone you don't know is crying do you put an arm around and stand with them? This one is the clencher....when adjusting your seat on an airplane do you look back to make sure you aren't inconveniencing the person behind you? These things make you less or more beautiful in the world. People don't know that beauty is what they are witnessing because the sick and twisted world of superficiality has trained us like Pavlovian dogs to equate beauty with an outward appearance. There is a learned up and down take just as a person approaches, and judgement immediately ensues. Could we take a little more time and maybe get words in.....maybe converse.  I love starting conversations with anyone I happen to sit next to. My husband has finally stopped asking how I know the person because I usually don't. I am never disappointed and always pleasantly surprised at the amazing people in all types of clothes, shapes, sizes, and the like. I can not say that I am not taken in by the same Pavlovian conditioning as sometimes I find myself wondering "Did you look in the mirror before exiting the building?" However even if that same belly pierced, rolls hanging over, thong revealing, worthy of the Walmart Hall of Shame person was sitting next to me I would start the conversation. I don't think it hurts to talk and let the conditioning start to change to open wonder of how different and wonderful we all are.

Been thinking about what it means to be beautiful.  There are obviously may interpretations and perceptions. Have you ever looked at a person and uttered an exclamation of beauty only to have the person next to you screw their face up in horror and ask you "WHAT?" The proof is in the pudding. We all see things differently.  Maybe your preference is in hair color, skin color, short, tall, full figured, slim, muscle, etc... There is one fact that does not depend on perception. When you get to know a person and they are so fantastic that you count yourself lucky to know them, they become more beautiful. The more you are around them this quality increases and you can't help but think "Wow, what a beautiful person!" Literally their eyes shine brighter, their smile gleams, and you just feel warm when ever they are present.  It's funny to think that these quality and occurances can't be captured in a magazine. They are ethereal. Intangible. 

So I have decided to tackle an issue that a few have addressed but not loud enough to make a difference. Photo shopping pictures in magazines.  WHY?!?!?!?! I recall speaking with my brother about his modeling career. I asked how it was going and if he saw a future with it. He had already done a few magazine spreads and was a hot item on a local level which could only have led to more success in my humble opinion. He stated that he didn't really want to pursue it further because of the anxiety he felt. "Anxiety?" I asked. He clarified by stating that he couldn't just relax after a shoot and go out in public without preparation. I was still confused so he frankly stated that he didn't like that people noticed who he was and that he didn't resemble the pictures they had recognized him from. That was perplexing as I figured that was the point of fame. To be recognized but his comment about not looking like his pictures was fascinating. My brother is amazing to behold. He is not only beautiful but has the body to match with all it's cuts and grooves, but apparently his magnificence is lost on the modeling world. I know they view each prospective model as a canvas from which to create but after clothing, painting on the makeup and posing isn't that enough?   No, apparently not. Then the task is to photo shop so the original no longer even resembles the finished product.  My brother felt so much anxiety because he left his home without prepping to get a gallon of  milk, or went out to eat casual and when people recognized him they had they eye of scrutiny. They were comparing the mental picture in their head to the physical manifestation before them. They were calculating and it wasn't adding up. He could see this process happening and was freaking out at the prospect of disappointing them. HOW SAD!!!!!! Had his original pics surfaced instead of the doctored images, he still would have been recognized and admired for his authenticity.  I further researched and have found many places including People magazine, Dove commercials, and 60 minutes where they address this issue and show how the process is actually perpetrated. It is appalling as they take an already beautiful person and continue to cut, smooth, and delete the subject until they no longer resemble the person who entered the room. I say "subject" because that is exactly what they have become. A none human specimen that is going to be disected. Someone needs to tell me how this even makes sense. The beautiful people around us are already admired for their cuts and curves. Why take it to the level where they are now insecure because there is no possible way for them to look as they do in their pictures? It is the biggest ponzy scheme out there and everyone is buying into it. Recently I caught a before and after of a Victoria Secret model photo shoot. They looked nothing the same. One girl looked on the verge of hospitalization while the other two who were no more than a size 6 were being photographed for the plus size section. They had flabby bellies and sagging breasts. Not what the doctored picture showed later. It seems that there is a pervailing sickness that is going unchecked. Kate Winslet refused to have her picture completely altered which set off a little bit of a ripple but not enough to catch the much needed attention. Why aren't we saying anything. We may not have the problems with anorexia as in the past (though my brothers' stories of purging and fasting would make you sick) but the lack of self esteem (something not visually apparent) is running rampant.  Do you think the magazines won't sell if you just put the regular face of Kim Kardashian on there?  Of course it will.  I am calling for a discussion to start the beginning of the end of this sick, crazed, obessession with perfection.  I want to make a change and I am asking for those interested to join.