Me, Me, Me

I was sitting with a long time friend just chatting mindlessly about the busyness of our schedules and how life just doesn't take a break. I stated that I never thought this is where I would be doing what I am doing. He asked what it was that I had planned for the life given to me. I couldn't really answer. I know this much.....it wasn't the constant compromise of failed plans and diverted paths. In viewing the lives around me I see that same common surprise. How did I get here? What did I originally have planned? Is this what life is really all about? Where will I end up?   I will say this. I had planned to marry, have children, and be a teacher. Those things have all come to fruition but the road taken to get these ideas in my head has been a wild ride. It is interesting the growth and change that occurs by the time you are 1/3 of the way into your life. How many have settled into monotonous relationships? How many just make do with the job? Have you enriched yourself so as to feel the satisfaction of doing something only for you? Do you feel like a rat in a maze?  I had been thinking about who I am and what I want in life. I realized that I had let myself fall into some of these categories and the idea made me shudder. There have been some truly shining moments of complete bliss and happiness but most of my life has been in the service of what others want. I took inventory and decided to explore what direction I should go...school, job, volunteer?   Volunteering was out as I have already spent and inordinate amount of time doing that and it was less than fulfilling. That is not to say that I am not open to service, but a constant volunteer position is out. School. I have grappled with where I might continue my degree. When the mind is foggy I find it useful to walk away from the dilemna. Job. Well what would I like to do. As is my character I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. A listing came through the email from the school my children attend. Music teacher opening. Hmmmm, there was a tickling at the back of my head from a past goal to become a teacher. Oh the tickling became a strong impression and remembrance. I had intended to become a teacher when I started college so many years ago. I side tracked to put my hubby through school and again side tracked to have the desired children. My focus has solely been this precious family of mine to which there is no comparison, but now the time had come to remember myself. I applied, was interviewed and was offered the job. It has been a major adjustment in my life as I have been a domestic engineer for 14 years, but the reward has been immense. The sense of self has returned that I didn't even realize was absent until recently. My own ability to shape a portion of my life for self only has been intoxicating. I can't express the added dimension of satisfaction that is only mine. As I sat looking at my friend and hearing his words of apathy towards a life that is less than fulfilling I had a moment. I saw clearly that each one of us must carve out a section of life that is only ours. We must devote a section of time to the "me" that is alive but sometimes hidden. Wherever that satisfaction has gone we must find it. Life is just too full of demands and detours not to force and space for just you.It more than likely will not be a grand thing though there is nothing saying it can't, but even that smallest chunk that allows you to think, "Ahhhh, now this is the life". Now that is worth having.

Caretaker

I have been a mother and a wife for the past 18 years. During the course of this time I have sacrificed and cared for 4 other people. Recently my husband had his ankle fused and was rendered an invalid. I realized that caring for people in a natural state of good health is quite different than those who are uncooperative patients. This is why I did not go into nursing even though everyone suggested and encouraged it. I am not compassionate enough to care for people beyond meeting their needs and making sure they are comfortable. I won't be sitting next to your bed, caressing your face our talking in baby talk. I am a "git er' done" kind of girl. This experience coupled with having my mother-in-law shadow me gave me pause. Suddenly long term care facilities looked pretty good. I'm not saying I will shove my hubby in there should he become needy but if we are both old it might have to be a possibility. Thankfully by that time his mother will be gone and I won't have a nagging shadow but the idea of not being prepared for such an event kind of jarred me. I will now be thinking prepartory.I will also be making sure that I will be cared for. Unlike my hubby I become docile and easy when down for the count so I hope my children will be willing to help me out because it's a surety that Keith will not.