Reflections of a mother

As I sit here all alone reflecting on my past year as a mother I am not surprised that it's a relief to be alone. Most mothers would be saddened by the fact that they are not surrounded by their off-spring or doted on by the husband. I was given a gift last night. My husband is out of town on business and though I would love to have him home today it was nice he was not. My children and I went down Saturday to celebrate with grandmas and they all wanted to stay. My sister volunteered to bring them home and I set off to be alone. Why was this such a gift? Why is this so delicious to me as I sit chronicling this day? Well, some of you may be familiar with the feeling of mommy overload. It's when the very sound of their voices (and ladies be honest husbands often have the same effect as children) demanding your life force makes your ears bleed. The constant pawing at your skin hurts and the ever present exhaustion replaces the guilt you feel from choosing yourself over them just once into a closely guarded, fangs bared..., "GET OUT OF MY ROOM! ALL OF YOU!"

This past year has been a bit overwhelming and the culmination of events has led me to this space I now occupy. Some of you will take the stance of indignation. Some will quietly agree but keep the plastic smile on to appease the indignant. Some of you are blissfully ignorant. It's not my place to dictate your phase of life, but there will be some who identify and ladies there is nothing wrong with that. Mother's Day is something different to everyone. Maybe you are mourning. Maybe you are not in touch with your mother. Maybe you are having the perfect day of luxury and appreciation or maybe you are overwhelmed, under appreciated and needing some precious alone time away from a relentless job that while very fulfilling can lead to a sudden urgency for selfishness once a year. 

I do appreciate all the ladies in my who have been my "mother" including the woman who gave me life and raised me to this point. Yes she is still doing things that change my behavior and help me see the world in a better light. I appreciate these women for helping me to be stronger and love myself despite the voice that sometimes tells me I am not enough. It's a small voice that I can usually stamp out or dismiss and thankfully because of the women in my life I detect it's false motive right away. Happy Mother's Day ladies where ever you are in life. Keep your chin up and remember it's OK to take a minute for yourself. Just stare down the indignant faces and do it anyway. Ooops! There's my dog whining to come in. I should have left him with the others!

Be thou humble

Today marks the loss of another friend. No one died but a friendship has been altered and closed forever. There will still be contact, though strained. There will still be run ins, though uncomfortable. It's breaks something inside when those you let in so close to your core cannot abide that space anymore. It slams shut the open flow of joy and peace that interweaves the strands of two separate people. It is death and it throbs. You stand looking at one another talking with the expectations that what you are saying will penetrate because this one knows you, your intricate way of thinking, the true meaning behind your intent. You blink at the first blow and shake it off knowing nothing could possibly be meant by those words. Trying again, you state your meaning more clearly but are met with rising anger that stings as you stand back to see what is going wrong. It does not become more clear but is clouded by a void that keeps growing with each attempt. As the viciousness escalates you simply resign, and the aching begins with the loss that cannot be mended.

When approached about a wrong doing it might be worth it to simply acknowledge the wrong and apologize. I have never gone wrong with that approach. It is even more freeing than the anger that we hold on to trying to cover our guilt from the wrong we committed. That feeling chokes out the calm and collected side which should preside between friends. It swallows it whole and like a poison starts infecting our actions and words. We start to defend and try to protect that "wrong" because we think facing it would kill us. Facing anything with truth cannot kill you. It simply strengthens the best part of you. It whittles away the proud façade and creates a humility that will topple the largest stumbling block dropped in your path. It stops the ache before it starts. It keeps them in your core for just one more day.