Recently I attended a BBQ with extended family. This group is made up of mostly women and they have fire in the blood. We make My Big Fat Greek Wedding look docile. The BBQ was a smashing success until the end and a fight broke out between two sisters that involved children. That is always a recipe for disaster and in my experience parents should always take a breathe and form the words in the their heads before spewing out regretful reactive words that complicate a reconciliation. This is escpecially true in a family setting because unfortunately we are stuck with these people and we have to get along if we want to have family solidarity. I reflected back as to why these events tend to occur in our family more often then not. In fact we consider ourselves lucky everytime we have a non-eventful get together. That is sad, but true. As I was reflecting I started to see a pattern emerge. The people starting the fights are generally like predators scoping out the prey. They pace the given perimeters of the situations waiting and watching for an opportunity to pounce and slash the intended victim with accusations or snide remarks. These behaviors are intended to produce a reaction for the target and hopefully a fight. It is as if they thrive on the drama that ensues. They haven't had their fix and they will do anything to create the much needed high they get from participating in a knock down drag out fight. The after effects are not anticipated. They just want a good fight. These people have a huge chip on their shoulder. This made me wonder why? As I surveyed the attendees I noticed there is a group who hold to the idea that "you are either with me or you are against me". There is no room for diversity. The idea is that we all have to agree or that makes us enemies. This is obviously an impossibility as there are 7 billion people on the earth and 7 billion perspectives.They intersect at various places leading many of us to believe that the people we enjoy to be around think exactly like us. Usually that is not only false but dangerous as at some point there is a difference in opinion and due to the strongly held notion that we can't be friends unless we always agree many dear friendships are destroyed and hearts are broken. I don't believe it is necessary to agree. In fact I thrive on disagreement. Let me clarify. I do not thrive on fighting. I like a good discussion , devoid of arguing, anger, resentment or insult. I enjoy talking with people about ideas and how they feel about things. I may not agree but often I find there is a piece of their idea that I can incorporate and benefit. Much of my learning and knowledge comes from these discussions. I have learned long ago that my delight is viewed as a direct assault by this particular group and I refrain from any discussion above the normal chit-chat. I am clearly aware of their inability to engage without offense. It is as if a different opinion will ultimately take away their very core and leave them empty. Could it be that they don't value their own opinion? Are they too weak to handle opposition without resorting to a massive counter attack? When I feel attacked it is usually because the offense was directed at my person not my opinion. Opinions are fluid. I have varied my stance many times in my life. My person is not as fluid. Personality is inate where as ideas can either compliment or detract. It would be a glorious day if upon getting  together we were able to enter the event prepped to know that every person there will be variant from ourselves and feel positive about that. If we could sit down and not anticipate a negative but be excited to hear a different take. What woud happen if you granted the other a respectful disagreement. The bond forged by the ability to respect anothers ideas without abandoning one's own is much stronger than the imaginery bond that we think the same. There are a few of us in the group who have learned to just take the jibes and not say a word. It makes for a less than enjoyable experience but is necessary to maintain the calm. It is only when a child's lip is fat and bleeding that sometimes that silence is impossible to attain. This wouldn't be the case if we all left the chip at the curb with the parked car. I don't know if family unity exists as I have never really experienced it but I think that for my children I intend to teach them the skills to maybe change the next generation.