Small and simple things

 The days have been catching up with me and I find the compounding effect stifling. I can't say that I am unhappy as that is not my nature. I feel happiness inside as a constant current. Still, I am not immune to the piling up of emotional garbage, and as such need to vent that out of my system. Sitting here day after day, listening to the myriad of information and fighting to get the beds made, urinals emptied, I started to slide into the critical eye.

 I hate the critical eye. 

It is what makes us only see the dingy edges, the dusty surfaces, the food in teeth. It stops us from smelling the fresh linens, seeing the twinkling mischief, tasting the cold milk. The critical eye is the real disease that no one has noticed has taken over our social networks, media airways and infiltrated our most private places. It is the slippery slope that has created the havoc we see out in our streets and feel in our hearts. I do all I know to do to keep my eye clear of criticism so I can see the joy around me. It is a conscious effort and requires improvement each day. Lately that effort has been like pushing the 10 ton boulder up a jagged ledge. Last night was a turn that allowed me to step aside and let that boulder bully its way back down the incline. Natalie is her name. She is one of the many CNA's that attend my Bear. Natalie has spent countless hours attending to Josh's needs physically, but one night she came in, took a seat on the couch and chatted about nothing. We laughed, made fun, and told stories that connected us immediately. Her dark, piercing eyes show excitement and instant love. I met her at the ice machine one night as I had just finished up a final I was hoping to avoid. It was nearing midnight and my eyes were closing in exhaustion. "How are you doing?" she asked. "Well, I had to take a final that the teacher wouldn't let go, even though I have a 99% in her class. Chemo wasn't a good enough excuse", I riley smiled. "It's done and I'm wiping it from memory." She smiled and commiserated with me for a bit, making me feel her absolute attention. I don't even remember everything we spoke about, just that she was listening like I was the last human. Last night as the food was brought in I noticed another box of Swiss Rolls. I say another because I had already purchased my love a box, and he had also secretly asked for a box from our friend bringing our laundry exchange which yielded him 4. At seeing this new box I wondered if they were starting to bleed out of the walls. We quickly realized that it was Natalie. She came in to take vitals and we asked. "Yes, it was me. I knew you liked them and was shopping so I grabbed a box." It's the small and simple things. We have been shown so much love by those who know us and for that we are grateful, but we expect the people we love to love us. It's the surprises from the "working staff" that prick our hearts and make my eyes leak. It's that amazing humanity that you see unexpectedly from those that have the "mother's heart". Thank you Natalie. Thank you for seeing us. Thank you for remembering we are human. Thank you for your tender care. We needed you.