Is transformation possible???

My life since the passing of my husband took an amazing nosedive into the depths of hell. I once saw myself as durable and able to withstand whatever the world could pelt at me. I had little knowledge of the world of widowhood, similar to many of you. Don’t get me wrong—I was compassionate in the only way an ignoramus can be. Then the world screeched to a halt, and my body was flung headfirst into a new reality. My husband was torn from me, and I literally limped home to tend to my severed and bleeding body. Those wounds were compounded by the people that my Bear held in high esteem: his mother, father, brother, and sisters.

I would learn these people were the epitome of pain and suffering—the deepest I would ever know. After making peace with this revelation, I did what I do best. I made a plan. When people show you who they are, believe them. They will either show up or not, and this world is too treacherous to let the “not” group stay anywhere near you. I began groping in this pitch-black world, for what felt like an eternity, trying to find even a pinhole of light. We all seem to think we have control over our lives, but then cancer T-bones you, and while you reel from the hit, death drops a ten-ton cement block to finish you off. I was never so lost.

People tried to help, and some actually did. I just couldn’t seem to get my bearings. I tried everything—from therapy, to medication, to widows’ groups, to ketamine. This last one sent me to the edge of suicide. When these did not work, my panic rose hard. Would I be sequestered to this unimaginable, unsustainable pain? Where was the magic bullet—or any bullet for that matter? I was a horse with every leg broken and unmendable. Someone needed to take me out to pasture and do the honorable deed.

Just when things were at their bleakest, there came the pinhole of light. It’s incredible to see how God works. He starts with the smallest of small, but widens the gap swiftly to shine the truth of His love upon you. I was ready to leave, to find any way out, but God brought a miracle. I often say to those who ask the question, “Where is God? Why isn’t He doing anything about all of this suffering?” Well, we are the answer.

We are here to become like God. He brings miracles and shines light for the path ahead, but He does not solve our problems for us. We are here to do that for each other. That is exactly what my sweetheart did for me. Daniel Dean was an answer to my prayers—a beacon of hope and the other part of me that I needed to make me whole once more. There is hope ever present in life. It is up to us to endure the trial to test that hope. Light always chases out the dark. It is the nature of God to give hope and provide a way for the hope to manifest. I give thanks for how it did in my life.

Made For Me

 So I wrote a book and what a ride!!! People are coming back with amazing reviews; they can't put it down, their neighbors took it off their porch and read it before they gave it back, even when they knew the story they couldn't stop reading, and the list goes on. I knew my story was a shocker, but I had no idea that others would be so riveted. How happy I am about this revelation.

 I embarked on this journey partly to unload, but also to give those calling for the book what they wanted. I mourned publicly and others became invested. Some were wanting another in their boat and  others were just curious. Made For Me is all of those things. It captures every emotion and allows the reader a raw insight into two peoples intimate details from love to cancer to grief and love once again. It takes you through all the feels and leaves you wondering how anyone could live all these lives at once. 

Writing it was NOT cathartic. I wonder if people really know what that word means. It is to purge or the act of purging. I was not purging my life nor my grief and certainly not my joy. I was releasing truth and inviting people into the actuality of my life. You can't purge love, nor do you want to. It marks our synapsis indelibly, never to be removed. Love is the very essence of existence and must be treasured even when put on hold. You would never get rid of a memory so tender that you revisit it often simply to remind yourself of the beauty that sometimes gets tarnished by the world around us. 

Writing this book was a testament to the power of love and the capacity to hold that space for love larger than ourselves. It reminded me of who I truly am and who others are as well; the good, the bad, and the ugly. It took me through my sweet, to the vicious, stopping into the black hole only to emerge basking in the glorious light of redemption. It was a becoming from all the parts up to that point. I think most of us want to excise the difficult and the painful from our being, but I have learned to gather it in and allow every part some standing space. It keeps the whole of myself together and represents me in my purest form. This book was more of a graduative walk from light to dark and back into the light. After all, isn't that life?