Mother's Day

Mother's Day has come and gone and I reflect on an interesting weekend. Of course I went to see my mother and spent the weekend chatting and eating. I also dropped my children by my mother-in-laws because it has been a long time since she has seen them. This of course is not of my doing but rather a fault of their father who only visits when the kids are in school. My mother-in-law and I have had quite the relationship spanning 19 years of marriage and many run ins of the escalated sort. She loved me in the beginning but, as many find, I come with both sides of the coin. She decided my bad was not enough to trump my good and has spent the last 19 years trying to hate me. I say trying because she often fails as her assumption that my bad trumps my good is flawed. She has been effectively abandoned by all but one of her 5 children for reasons I am not informed as I have a closer relationship with the clerk at Walmart than my in laws. In the past 12 years whenever she needed someone to clean her house after a debilitating accident it was I that lent the hand. When she fell apart from the loneliness and couldn't handle the strain I was the one she came to stay with to handle her grief. It was I who invited her to my family Christmas party because her own had overlooked her. I could tell of the countless efforts by me and my family to include her despite her insistence on speaking unkindly to others on our behalf. For the most part I simply set aside my feelings of frustration and tell myself she is old and feeble so I must care for her because no one else will. This last encounter was a straw that severed my spine. After a heated discussion that led to her disparaging my mother on an epic level I told her to leave and she promptly backhanded my face. I think it was a long time coming but because I have never raised my voice to her before or been disrespectful she never had the opportunity (though I surmise by the gusto with which she delivered the blow she had been fantasizing). I promptly called the police and documented her crazy gesture for future security. I told my husband that she would not be allowed back into my house and that was that. Since then she has called and made a feeble attempt at reconciliation (though no apology was issued) and I assured her that she would be able to see her grandchildren but I wanted nothing to do with her. She launched a never before seen campaign against me pelting my husband with reasons that he should divorce me and accosting anyone who would listen with tales of my evilness. To this I still showed up with her grandchildren to spend the night with her and even presented her with a present that I myself created. I was finally able to enter her house as previously I just couldn't bring myself to see her face. I found it funny that I felt nothing for her. I believe in being courteous even when you don't like someone. I believe in treating people with respect even when they don't deserve it. I also believe that after you cross me enough the feelings of affection are effectively squelched and are unlikely to return. Until she passes I will continue to respectfully take her grandchildren to see her. I will honor her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas with the necessary tokens. I will give her the respect an old person deserves no matter how cantankerous but I will not mourn her when she leaves. I am not a pretender.

I didn't want a dog

I've been crying for 3 days. I read somewhere that Magory Pay Hinkley did not like to cry because it "gave her a headache". Well I've had a headache for 3 days. 5 years ago I bought this dog. He was the runt and so tiny with the longest tongue I had ever seen. Reminded me of Gene Simmons in concert every time the little thing yawned. To say he is the perfect dog is not just lip service. He trained easily and fast, learned tricks the first time and poops around the peripheri of the yard. I can not remember shoveling poop because Jake detests it as much as me. I remember holding 2 little puppies and looking into both of their faces only to discover that Jake was the geometric "Cindy Crawford" of puppies. He has the most adorable face (and I will knock down anyone who says otherwise). He fell asleep in the crook of my neck and I took him home for good. I didn't want a dog. The kids wanted a dog. Keith wanted a dog. I had 2 mini-horses, a goat and some chickens. Oh, and a rabbit. I did not want a dog. Mostly because unlike 90 % of the world I don't believe that animals are objects. Each one has it's own soul as pure as the most refined gold. Look deep into their eyes and you will see it. People say I have a way with animals. Well I do. I love them and they love me. My horses would nuzzle my ears while I fixed the fence. My goats would tug at my hair while I checked their hooves. My bunnies followed me through the kitchen and rested on my feet. Even the chickens would break into a full out run from the back acre upon seeing me on the porch. They loved me because I loved them. I didn't want a dog because I would love it too much. I love him too much........and now he is lost. Ironically the picture I posted online was taken while I sat crying over a broken heart. He sat next to me looking intently as the tears spilled onto my face. He didn't try to fix it or give me advice. He just sat with me as I cried and now I sit alone....crying. Where could my littlest guy be? Did someone find this wonderous creature and realize that he was someone's treasure then decide to keep him because his value was too great? Is he wandering around lost wondering why I haven't found him? Is he hungry? Is he cold? On and on my mind reels as I cry. Where is my Jake? Please....I need my Jake? I pray and pray and then pray again. Please bring my Jake home because.......I love him.

Older means ugly

So I see this cite "10 ugliest celebrities" and I click. I was so saddened to see that the only thing being addressed was the fact that these people were older. Older automatically means ugly? Wow! OK there were 2 people who were not very attractive but that was because the plastic surgeon had wreaked havoc. The rest were just older. It really made me think how superficial things are. Some of the most beautiful people I know are older. Even ones I don't know who had nothing surgically done to them like Audry Hepburn. She became lovelier with each passing year. There needs to be a memo sent to Hollywood that we would love to see more "older" people because we value them and they are beautiful!

38

Do you ever wonder how people become so devious? Are they born that way? Do they develop the skill later after serious trauma? Were they bullied? I have never been the devious type. My mind is an open book and I expect everyone to be honest. It still comes as a shock after 38 years on this planet when I encounter devious behavior. I was raised direct and honest. My parents abhorred the thought of leading anyone in any direction that was less than forthcoming. I have learned that most people do not appreciate direct or honest feedback but I still come away wondering why. Is life really the cut-throat competition that requires blood to be the victor? Are we less because we live without gile? What is really gained by deception and manipulation? I just find myself perplexed at the behavior wondering what is achieved as there must be something worth the devaluing of ones' soul. It just makes me ponder and then ponder more because the answer is still eluding me after 38 years.

A day in the life...: Where do we go?

A day in the life...: Where do we go?: Today is a day off for me and my children. I love that there are days off especially now that my mind is unsettled and I need a different fo...

Where do we go?

Today is a day off for me and my children. I love that there are days off especially now that my mind is unsettled and I need a different focus from the goings on in the political forum. I fight between the feeling of forboding and positivity. Is there a way to be informed and stay positive? That is my quandry. I look at the present occurances and the forces that are not in the interest of the population and my blood curdles. Then I think, "Where is my positive outlook?" Some of my discussions begin with warnings or dissemination of information in the hopes that people in my social circle will become better informed or give me solutions to my concerns. It hasn't been comforting so far and my fear is mounting as it seems the writing is on the wall. My dear friend and I were discussing the fact that our children will not know the world that we knew. It is true of every generation that things progress or radically change but usually in relation to technology or fashion. Our conversation centered around the liberties that are changing and the tide swinging to a social call for babysitting. This is the generation expecting to be cared for and coddled. This group does not want the indepence of action and thought that will allow them the future of their choosing. They are screaming for our government to rule their lives in virtually every aspect without exception. I know it is a precarious position to look into a future that is unrealized and have the impact of knowing what you choose will bring good or bad but there isn't a set course. Things can be remedied if in fact they run amuck. Mistakes teach lessons and the end result is a person refined. My life has had little coaching and my choices have led me in varying directions but they were mine and I have deeply benefited. The individual I am is a direct result of both the good and the bad. Actually the more refined side is due largely to the bad. When you hurt or dissappointment is your companion you can't wait to severe that tie and never return. It is highly beneficial and promotes growth. I fear the leachery that will ensue from nursing off the government will only serve to produce fully grown infants wailing at the drop of a hat when their needs are not immediately granted and shocked that they must wait. That is only one of the ailments I fear we will see. The mere treatment of one another will shortly become an every man for himself, leave the others behind. When you treat people as infants they behave with the same self indulged egocentrism that is indicative of an individual who does not do for him/herself. You can't know patience if you have never had to wait. You can't know selflessness if there isn't a sacrifice required. This will be a 50/50 situation for awhile as half the population will be required to coddle the other half. When that group becomes disenchated then we will see an all out collapse of our society. The scary part is we are not accustomed to this kind of living. America has always been the land of opportunity for those who would forge their own way. That kind of individualism will be hard lost and difficult to reverse to a titty sucking government laden lifestyle. There will be huge ramifications that will ultimately lead to a contentious, broken society that no longer has the power to protect itself from those laying in wait, and believe me they have been biting at the bit for our interior to collapse thus allowing for the weak link they need to devour us. I can only pray that the like minded will band together and prevent such backward thinking to prevail as the state of our survival depends on it.

Snow Day

It sucks to be older....well I guess 37 isn't really older but it's getting there. Today I can't seem to use my body enough. We awoke to 2 feet of snow and unfortunately this is too early for such a gift. The leaves haven't fallen off the trees so many branches were broken or on their way. We spent the first 2 hours climbing trees to shake the snow off and save the beloved folage. With that done we turned to snow ball fights and later found an amazing hill to sled to our possible death. The time with my kids and actively participating left my back hurting and me walking slower but I just couldn't get enough. It was like time wouldn't stop and I had to keep the pace or wither and everyone knows I do NOT wither. I may be hurting but my mind is so satisfied with the experiences of the last 24 hours. Kids are smiling not realizing that I won't be walking tomorrow but I don't even care because we loved every minute of today!  It was so alive....the moment, the time, the people. Hard to explain but so worth the breath I took each second. This day is spent and I can look back knowing I spent it well. I guess I subscribe to the idea that my body is a gift that needs to be used and used well. As my children, family, or anyone who knows me will attest I hate wasting. I will use it up and that goes for the very frame that carries the spirit within. Life is meant to be lived and I'm doing it regardless of what my back is screaming.