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Do you ever wonder how people become so devious? Are they born that way? Do they develop the skill later after serious trauma? Were they bullied? I have never been the devious type. My mind is an open book and I expect everyone to be honest. It still comes as a shock after 38 years on this planet when I encounter devious behavior. I was raised direct and honest. My parents abhorred the thought of leading anyone in any direction that was less than forthcoming. I have learned that most people do not appreciate direct or honest feedback but I still come away wondering why. Is life really the cut-throat competition that requires blood to be the victor? Are we less because we live without gile? What is really gained by deception and manipulation? I just find myself perplexed at the behavior wondering what is achieved as there must be something worth the devaluing of ones' soul. It just makes me ponder and then ponder more because the answer is still eluding me after 38 years.

A day in the life...: Where do we go?

A day in the life...: Where do we go?: Today is a day off for me and my children. I love that there are days off especially now that my mind is unsettled and I need a different fo...

Where do we go?

Today is a day off for me and my children. I love that there are days off especially now that my mind is unsettled and I need a different focus from the goings on in the political forum. I fight between the feeling of forboding and positivity. Is there a way to be informed and stay positive? That is my quandry. I look at the present occurances and the forces that are not in the interest of the population and my blood curdles. Then I think, "Where is my positive outlook?" Some of my discussions begin with warnings or dissemination of information in the hopes that people in my social circle will become better informed or give me solutions to my concerns. It hasn't been comforting so far and my fear is mounting as it seems the writing is on the wall. My dear friend and I were discussing the fact that our children will not know the world that we knew. It is true of every generation that things progress or radically change but usually in relation to technology or fashion. Our conversation centered around the liberties that are changing and the tide swinging to a social call for babysitting. This is the generation expecting to be cared for and coddled. This group does not want the indepence of action and thought that will allow them the future of their choosing. They are screaming for our government to rule their lives in virtually every aspect without exception. I know it is a precarious position to look into a future that is unrealized and have the impact of knowing what you choose will bring good or bad but there isn't a set course. Things can be remedied if in fact they run amuck. Mistakes teach lessons and the end result is a person refined. My life has had little coaching and my choices have led me in varying directions but they were mine and I have deeply benefited. The individual I am is a direct result of both the good and the bad. Actually the more refined side is due largely to the bad. When you hurt or dissappointment is your companion you can't wait to severe that tie and never return. It is highly beneficial and promotes growth. I fear the leachery that will ensue from nursing off the government will only serve to produce fully grown infants wailing at the drop of a hat when their needs are not immediately granted and shocked that they must wait. That is only one of the ailments I fear we will see. The mere treatment of one another will shortly become an every man for himself, leave the others behind. When you treat people as infants they behave with the same self indulged egocentrism that is indicative of an individual who does not do for him/herself. You can't know patience if you have never had to wait. You can't know selflessness if there isn't a sacrifice required. This will be a 50/50 situation for awhile as half the population will be required to coddle the other half. When that group becomes disenchated then we will see an all out collapse of our society. The scary part is we are not accustomed to this kind of living. America has always been the land of opportunity for those who would forge their own way. That kind of individualism will be hard lost and difficult to reverse to a titty sucking government laden lifestyle. There will be huge ramifications that will ultimately lead to a contentious, broken society that no longer has the power to protect itself from those laying in wait, and believe me they have been biting at the bit for our interior to collapse thus allowing for the weak link they need to devour us. I can only pray that the like minded will band together and prevent such backward thinking to prevail as the state of our survival depends on it.

Snow Day

It sucks to be older....well I guess 37 isn't really older but it's getting there. Today I can't seem to use my body enough. We awoke to 2 feet of snow and unfortunately this is too early for such a gift. The leaves haven't fallen off the trees so many branches were broken or on their way. We spent the first 2 hours climbing trees to shake the snow off and save the beloved folage. With that done we turned to snow ball fights and later found an amazing hill to sled to our possible death. The time with my kids and actively participating left my back hurting and me walking slower but I just couldn't get enough. It was like time wouldn't stop and I had to keep the pace or wither and everyone knows I do NOT wither. I may be hurting but my mind is so satisfied with the experiences of the last 24 hours. Kids are smiling not realizing that I won't be walking tomorrow but I don't even care because we loved every minute of today!  It was so alive....the moment, the time, the people. Hard to explain but so worth the breath I took each second. This day is spent and I can look back knowing I spent it well. I guess I subscribe to the idea that my body is a gift that needs to be used and used well. As my children, family, or anyone who knows me will attest I hate wasting. I will use it up and that goes for the very frame that carries the spirit within. Life is meant to be lived and I'm doing it regardless of what my back is screaming.

Me, Me, Me

I was sitting with a long time friend just chatting mindlessly about the busyness of our schedules and how life just doesn't take a break. I stated that I never thought this is where I would be doing what I am doing. He asked what it was that I had planned for the life given to me. I couldn't really answer. I know this much.....it wasn't the constant compromise of failed plans and diverted paths. In viewing the lives around me I see that same common surprise. How did I get here? What did I originally have planned? Is this what life is really all about? Where will I end up?   I will say this. I had planned to marry, have children, and be a teacher. Those things have all come to fruition but the road taken to get these ideas in my head has been a wild ride. It is interesting the growth and change that occurs by the time you are 1/3 of the way into your life. How many have settled into monotonous relationships? How many just make do with the job? Have you enriched yourself so as to feel the satisfaction of doing something only for you? Do you feel like a rat in a maze?  I had been thinking about who I am and what I want in life. I realized that I had let myself fall into some of these categories and the idea made me shudder. There have been some truly shining moments of complete bliss and happiness but most of my life has been in the service of what others want. I took inventory and decided to explore what direction I should go...school, job, volunteer?   Volunteering was out as I have already spent and inordinate amount of time doing that and it was less than fulfilling. That is not to say that I am not open to service, but a constant volunteer position is out. School. I have grappled with where I might continue my degree. When the mind is foggy I find it useful to walk away from the dilemna. Job. Well what would I like to do. As is my character I prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed. A listing came through the email from the school my children attend. Music teacher opening. Hmmmm, there was a tickling at the back of my head from a past goal to become a teacher. Oh the tickling became a strong impression and remembrance. I had intended to become a teacher when I started college so many years ago. I side tracked to put my hubby through school and again side tracked to have the desired children. My focus has solely been this precious family of mine to which there is no comparison, but now the time had come to remember myself. I applied, was interviewed and was offered the job. It has been a major adjustment in my life as I have been a domestic engineer for 14 years, but the reward has been immense. The sense of self has returned that I didn't even realize was absent until recently. My own ability to shape a portion of my life for self only has been intoxicating. I can't express the added dimension of satisfaction that is only mine. As I sat looking at my friend and hearing his words of apathy towards a life that is less than fulfilling I had a moment. I saw clearly that each one of us must carve out a section of life that is only ours. We must devote a section of time to the "me" that is alive but sometimes hidden. Wherever that satisfaction has gone we must find it. Life is just too full of demands and detours not to force and space for just you.It more than likely will not be a grand thing though there is nothing saying it can't, but even that smallest chunk that allows you to think, "Ahhhh, now this is the life". Now that is worth having.

Caretaker

I have been a mother and a wife for the past 18 years. During the course of this time I have sacrificed and cared for 4 other people. Recently my husband had his ankle fused and was rendered an invalid. I realized that caring for people in a natural state of good health is quite different than those who are uncooperative patients. This is why I did not go into nursing even though everyone suggested and encouraged it. I am not compassionate enough to care for people beyond meeting their needs and making sure they are comfortable. I won't be sitting next to your bed, caressing your face our talking in baby talk. I am a "git er' done" kind of girl. This experience coupled with having my mother-in-law shadow me gave me pause. Suddenly long term care facilities looked pretty good. I'm not saying I will shove my hubby in there should he become needy but if we are both old it might have to be a possibility. Thankfully by that time his mother will be gone and I won't have a nagging shadow but the idea of not being prepared for such an event kind of jarred me. I will now be thinking prepartory.I will also be making sure that I will be cared for. Unlike my hubby I become docile and easy when down for the count so I hope my children will be willing to help me out because it's a surety that Keith will not.

Thou art the offender

It is a small mind that takes offense and an even smaller mind that ends communication based on such offense. I was recently speaking with my mother about how my father likes to talk politics. She was much surprised as after 15 years of marriage and an ugly divorce she knew my father not to care or even think about politics let alone speak on the subject. I assured her that his intentions were simply to argue. You see my father is threatened by my strength and opinion which apparently cause him offense. He thus holds anger in his heart toward me and when an opportunity presents itself to argue (not converse) he speeds into an attack and no matter how respectful I remain he can't gain satisfaction until his anger extricates an equal reaction on my part. I have only given him that satisfaction a couple of times until I realized that my offense at his words were giving him power over me which is exactly what he felt he had lost and needed to retrieve at my expense. Yes even my own father felt an uncontrollable desire to "put me in my place" and make sure I knew I was not as smart as I thought myself to be. That he thinks I view myself that way has made me consider the idea of how do we give our power away. It is through offense. I remember as a child the girl dynamic. The one where if there happened to be more than two girls in a group you were guaranteed an exclusion at one point or another. I was on the receiving end of these fiascos more than once and could never seem to force myself back into good graces until the said alpha girl decided that she was bored with the game of torture and moved on to another target. As an adult I consider this behavior quite often and after having my children I employed an experiment. It is an exclusive behavior to girls and as luck would have it I had a boy and tended a neice of the same age. Whenever said girl was offended because she didn't get her way or was feeling threatened she would withdraw her attention from my unsuspecting boy and deploy the ignore factor. My boy would go wild trying to figure out what he had done wrong, why she was angry, and what was the next course of action to fix the situation. He was nearly mad with trying when I stepped in. I had had a thought. What would happen if you allowed the person to be angry and maintained calm? Tell the person that you are sorry they are upset and when they want to talk you will be available. That is what we told my neice. I explained to her that when she was done throwing a fit we would be over at the swings and she could join us when she decided to be nice again. It worked like a charm. She was shocked that her female tactics had failed and stood for several minutes wondering what to do. She eventually abandoned her ridiculous attempt at power over another and joined us for fun on the swings. My boy was reluctant at first as his insides were in a panic and his initial reaction was to succumb, but that would have given his power away. In reality we only have power over ourselves. No one can have power over us unless we give it to them. We can choose to be offended but in doing so we allow others power over us. They are now shaping our thoughts and actions which usually are not positive in times of offense. By walking away and allowing for an understanding that we are still willing to continue the relationship even if it requires a waiting period (or cool down) we maintain our own power and the relationship as well. I realize that this is a lot easier said than done but is quite effective if we can stop ourselves at the onset of offense, take a deep breath, realize that our person can only be effected by another if we allow it, and maintain calm. In the times when I have employed these tactics they have worked like a charm. In times when I have not, the poison I allow in takes a lot of time to remedy. Once you let it in it is almost impossible to get out and requires much effort and wasted energy. In this political mess that we are all subjected we must not let ourselves get embroiled. It is shocking that educated folks will sling and sling the mud of viciousness, but we can't let these ideas end our relationships and allow the poison to seep insidiously into our lives. We must keep calm and realize ideas are just that, ideas. We are only influenced for the good or bad depending on what we let in. What kind of world would it be if ideas were allowed to be individual without recourse? How would the world be different is instead of forcing ourselves on others we allowed others their opinions and maintained our own. If the mood catches you right and what is said changes your mind great! Otherwise enjoy the differences and celebrate that people come in all kinds of packages. It makes for a better place.